truth be told

I have a lot of things to do...the laundry...the bed...the dinner...the bills...etc. Today, however is officially my last day of mat leave. I start back to work on Monday, but am going in tomorrow to get reacquainted with the place. So, now that I have put both my beauties down for their naps and the house is quiet I am thinking about taking a few minutes to myself to breath. in and out in and out.

I am going to lay it all out, I feel like I need a release. Today I am feeling better, yesterday was possibly one of the saddest days I have had in a long long time. Some would say sad for no reason, but I am finding reason enough. I am flip flopping from feeling incredibly sorry for myself that I have to go back to work, and incredibly guilty and sorry for my baby who seems to have a bad case of mommyitis.

The former was certainly winning out yesterday. Why am I so sad about going back to work? Well, it has nothing to do with the work part, I haven't even really thought about the actual job. I am just so sad about leaving Shiloh. I went back to work when Sam was a year, and I certainly knew I was going to miss him, but I didn't feel this heaviness. I can only guess as to why, but I think I felt I had my time with Sam. With Shiloh it seemed it took an awfully long time to really get to know her, to fall madly deeply in love with her. I would say about six months. I guess I was just busy looking after a toddler and managing on very little sleep that I just went through the motions. Now she is 9 months old, and just about the cutest thing I have ever seen. Her eyes light up when you talk to her, she dances back and forth when you sing, and claps, waves and plays peek a boo to get your attention. She has a low little voice, and when she babbles "ma-ma-ma-ma-mama" it's the best feeling. With Sam I had this connection from the first week he was born, but I also had all day to stare at him and touch him. Now it seems we have just gotten there with Shiloh, she is sleeping better I believe b/c she has a better connection. I could go on and on about all the great parts about my kid and the things I am going to miss, but mostly it is just being with her. Also, I look at Sam and can't remember him as a baby and I know that before I know it Shiloh will be growing up and it is very likely that again, I will not remember her, as she is now...

The curse of motherhood guilt I have talked of before. I am hoping this will pass, as Shiloh becomes accustomed to being away and manages better. Right now she is a happy little girl. She sleeps well through the day and only cries when she is really in need of something. When I leave her it seems she cries from the moment I leave, and I return to a horribly exhausted looking child and an equally exhausted looking care giver. What mother wouldn't feel guilty for putting their kids through that? If I thought it would take just a few days and she would get over it I wouldn't feel so bad but my girl has staying power. Remember the one who woke up 4-6 times a night for a good 7-8 months? I am thinking she will finally start calming down about week 4 and then we will almost be done.

Husbands I am sure do not understand this feeling, after all they leave their kids everyday to go to work...so what is my problem? I don't have an answer to that except to say that we are wired differently. Don't misunderstand that I yearn to be a stay at home mom permanently; I have no desire to do that. I recognize that I need some outlets outside my kids. Shiloh has just started to be such fun to be around.

So, to all those people who have asked "are you excited about going back to work" just know that when I say no I would really like to be telling you where to stick it.